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Infidelity Recovery in Marriage
Finding out that our partner has been unfaithful, unleashes tremendous pain in most people.
It also creates emotional uncertainty, distrust and a sense of abandonment when being betrayed by a loved one.The first step any couple must take in infidelity recovery is to determine if the relationship should be or can be salvaged.
Infidelity is definitely not a new issue for couples today. Unfaithfulness seems to be a major problem in many relationships in today’s society, as it has always been in the history of romance. But that doesn’t mean it’s actually gotten easier to move forward when one partner cheats on another.
There’s one thing most experts agree on when it comes to dealing with recovery from infidelity. It’s that while recovery is possible, rebuilding a healthy relationship is hard work. Most importantly the cheating must stop.
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The following are seven critical infidelity recovery stages – Questions you need to ask yourself and your partner:
1.) Is the situation isolated, or is it a pattern. In other words, has the unfaithful partner shown patterns of infidelity or unfaithful behaviors in the past, or is this disloyalty a one-time thing?
2.) Do you feel that your spouse owns up to what they have done, or do they make excuses? The one thing every hurt partner is looking for is a sense of actual recovery in their spouse.
The person who cheated needs to be completely honest, even if it will seemingly hurt their spouse more, since continuing to hide the truth can cause even more damage.The cheater also needs to not only take full responsibility for the betrayal, but to show patience and understanding that healing from their actions is a long process.
3.) Do they understand exactly what this has done to you, and how much they have hurt you? Do they realize the gravity of the situation? However, affair recovery does not have to become an emotional whirlpool trapping you both in an endless round of resentment, retaliation, and self-pity. If you as the hurt partner keep ‘venting’ at the involved partner it can very quickly get out of control.
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4.) Are they truly sorry for the choice that they made, or are they just sorry that they were caught? Healing can be facilitated when the cheater expresses genuine compassion for the pain that the betrayal has caused.
5.) Is this person willing to clean up the mess, and do what it takes to mend what they have done? Or, do they just want to forget about it and move on? Are they willing to give up their freedom to enable you to trust them again?
The cheating partner can make all the promises they like but unless you see some actual change in the relationship you’re going to be stuck with thoughts like ‘once a cheating spouse always a cheating spouse.’
6.) Is doing this out of character for your partner, or are they insensitive in other areas of your relationship together? Do they really care about how you feel or about your well being?
7.) Is infidelity a part of their legacy? Did they grow up like this, or is this new behavior for them that is not present in their past, including family and past relationships?
Flawed infidelity recovery assumption
The assumption that affairs only happen in relationships that lack intimacy or excitement is so fundamentally flawed. Whatever the reason for the affair, you need to figure out how to get over it.
Think about what these questions mean to you and to the survival of your relationship. Be careful not to lie to yourself about the situation, and ask yourself these questions honestly. Don’t be afraid to seek out professional help, and talk to them about the questions above.
The biggest decision for you to make in the road ahead, is whether or not you should try to save your relationship.
The great news about infidelity recovery, if you both work at it, is that a whole new conversation becomes possible. It’s especially true for the hurt partner as now they are free to ask for more as the status quo no longer needs to be upheld.
Infidelity Recovery Takes Time
It’s possible that the relationship wasn’t truly working for both parties and now you can bring that all out into the light and move forward together. Ideally, recovery ends up with everyone having learned and grown. Remember – getting over infidelity takes time.
The key sign that infidelity recovery is proceeding positively is if both members of the couple begin to see that, while painful and mistaken, the affair can ultimately lead to better lives for both partners.
Recovery for the marriage hopefully includes how to listen with more respect, how to talk about difficult issues without anger or criticism, and how to share more positivity like smiles, hugs, fun times together and sexual pleasure—the odds go up that the post-affair marriage will end up being more gratifying for both partners than the pre-affair relationship.
How do you come back from something that destructive to a relationship ?
It’s widely known that damaging things that can happen to a relationship is a partner having an affair. It is a partner cheating and it’s not just the sexual and romantic component. It’s the betrayal of trust.
But the trust is eroded and the love is hard to come by. There’s a lot of anger and there’s a lot of hurt. There’s a lot of bitterness and people start looking once againfor closeness and connection somewhere else.
Not just romantically or sexually but also just over compensating through relationships with family, friends, with your kids.
You don’t know if you’ll ever be able to trust again. You don’t know if you’ll ever be able to.
Maybe you can love but love and trust are not the same thing. How do you know that you’re not going to get burned again ?
How do you take precautions to keep that from happening without just completely enclosing yourself and shutting your heart ?
You don’t want to be lonely but you don’t want to get be betrayed.
So, how to proceed forward with confidence ?
The three stages of recovering from infidelity are atonement, attunement and attachment.
Atonement means making things right. It means making amends. It means making something whole.
During the atonement phase the betrayed partner and the other partner need to recognize that an actual trauma has occurred.
It’s called betrayal trauma and after betrayal trauma the symptoms are very similar to post-traumatic stress disorder.
You feel all over the place emotionally.
you just want to be left alone if you were betrayed and you feel like your emotions are out of control.
That’s normal that’s part of betrayal trauma. You experienced a trauma and you’re trying to correct and you’re trying to find your equilibrium.
From here the next phase is attunement. Attunement is okay. We are working on trust and forgiveness. There’s a difference between forgiveness and trust.
Forgiveness is I’m letting go of bitterness and anger and hatred towards the other. I can forgive you even if we never talk again. Even if our relationship ends and I never see you again. I can forgive you.
Then there’s a third phase which is attachment.
Attachment is when you are trusting and forgiving. You’ve figured out how this happened and, what you’re going to do to keep it from happening again.
How to actually apply them in your life ?
We invite you to visit Cutting-Edge Marriage Saving Solutions where you can learn more about infidelity recovery.
How to Survive Infidelity – Can a Marriage Survive?
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